Me First! Me First

Blurry eyes, hair in a pony tail, coffee in hand and pj bottoms on as you drive the kids to school– Sound familiar?  These are not signs of a lazy parent, these are indicators of a parent who is so busy that self-care has fallen behind (way behind) caring for the family, relatives, work, school, friends…have I missed anyone?  Oh yeah, the family pets too.

When 24 hours just doesn’t seem like enough time to accomplish everything on the daily to-do list, most parents sacrifice self-care in order to meet the needs of everyone around them.  We know we are not SuperMom or SuperDad, but we look at those around us and if we have a little more time, energy, health or assets, we tend to feel obligated to lend a helping hand.  And we have trained one another to work until we drop.  How many times have you found yourself saying to a friend, “I really don’t have time to bake cookies for the preschool bake sale, but they really need the funds and I would feel guilty if I didn’t do my part.”  Where’s the sign that reads, IF YOU’VE TAKEN CARE OF YOU TODAY THEN WE’D LOVE TO HAVE 2 DOZEN CUPCAKES.  IF NOT, GO AHEAD AND EAT A CUPCAKE, WE’LL CATCH YOU NEXT TIME. ?

Helping and giving are HIGHLY encouraged, but as with all things we have to find balance.  Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Adrenal Fatigue and Hormone Imbalances are on the rise, and all of these illnesses are heavily influence by stress, nutrition and sleep.  For many parents I know, a balanced meal is eating the leftovers off each child’s plate, adequate sleep is a an uninterrupted nap while peeing and stress management includes enough chocolate consumption to fuel a neighborhood Halloween party for decades.  I will never forget the moment I realized I was not getting enough sleep:  the 20 minutes I was under anesthesia for a routine test were so sound and peaceful that I yelled “YOU’RE SO LOUD,” at the anesthesiologist as he was trying to wake me!

We all know when we are burning the candle at both ends, but what we don’t always realize is that sibling squabbles, cranky children, poor behaviors and obstinate actions in our children are often caused by the over-committing we do as parents.  When we are tired or cranky or always rushing to get to the next thing, our children serve as early warning systems trying to alert us to the damage our actions are causing.  The trouble is, just like the warning to change smoke alarm batteries every month, we usually ignore them.  Oftentimes, if we make subtle shifts towards our own self-care, our children will respond and the family balance returns to a peaceful roar?

What could you give up today?  What actions could you leave to another person?  What could you do for yourself each day that would bring you comfort, joy or satisfaction?

Next week we will offer some tips on how to make easy shifts towards self-care.  Stay tuned….

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Discipline with Love

Disciplining our children is a very personal thing.  As Conscious Parents, we have the benefit of being aware of our own triggers, our children’s triggers and looking for tools to help us navigate the waters of discipline effectively.  Let’s face it, we generally discipline our children for engaging in behaviors that either make life unsafe for them or make us feel unsafe.  It’s easy to distinguish those activities that are just out and out unsafe for our kids, sticking things in electrical sockets, running out into the street, riding bikes without helmets and a list a mile long of things children can think to do that we never did.  I never dreamed my son would find the view of the downstairs so inviting peering through the banister railings — until he got his head stuck there.

We also parent our children through our own fears.  I’ve watched parents who are affraid of swimming (or some other activity) over-react to playful and safe water games because of their own fear.  And let’s be honest, we punish our kids for throwing tantrums in the supermarket not because they are unsafe, but because we start to feel judged, overwhelmed and like we “should” be handling things differently.  We’re human, we are all going to do some variation of this. 

When we see our child engaging in a behavior that we know could cause danger (or we suspect will cause pain), we generally react with some fear.  The ironic thing about this is that we cannot experience love and fear at the exact same moment.  So if discipline comes from or in  that moment of fear, the consequences for the behavior may seem extreme or out of context, and then sadly, our child only modifies the behavior based on being afraid, not based on understanding that safety is an issue.  And, we know when we have acted from fear — we generally have huge guilt about the punishment we dolled out.

So, first and foremost, take a deep breath before issuing the consequence.  By all means, if you’re child is running out into the parking lot, scream, grab him around the waist — do whatever you have to to keep him safe, but before yelling, scolding or punishing, take that breath and reconnect with something you love and adore about this child.  Just one thing is all it takes to get you back to your heart.

Consequences must be immediate, firm and adhered to by all adults who are care-taking of the child during the time period of the consequence.  Even if you are on vacation or with family. . . even if it means you as the parent miss out on the fun, any wavering will reinforce the child’s behavior. 

Second, make the consequence fit the action.  Here are a few examples:

1)  Kids want independence…if your little one is insistent on darting out into parking lots or running away from you, then the consequence is that they have to hold your hand for the rest of the trip (or ride in the stroller or cart).  Don’t worry about their screaming, just remind them in a calm voice, “Honey, we have to be safe, you have not been safe today (or the last time we went out) so today you have to ride in the stroller.  Next time well try it your way again and if you wait for mommy and look both ways then you can walk next to me.”  Next time, remind them of the consequence before your trip starts!

2)  Your child rides their bike without their helmet.  A natural consequence is of course falling and getting hurt, but it’s our parenting duty to help prevent this injury.  So if you catch your child being unsafe in this way, the bike gets grounded for a certain amount of time (this is age dependent — a 4 year old will not remember 2 weeks later why the bike is still grounded). 

3)Johnny repeatedly breaks other children’s toys.  The consequence for this could be that Johnny then has to give a similar toy of his own to the other child.  If “Johnny” is older, it’s appropriate that he pay for the damage or  replaces the item, but with smaller children who don’t yet get the concept of money, to replace the item with one of their own is an appropriate consequence.

The goal is to help you keep your calm and teach your child through positive and conscious actions.  Yup, you’re going to get stressed and overwhelmed and maybe even raise your voice.  Just remember that it’s never too late to take that deep breath, reconnect with love and move forward teaching your child how to be a more conscious kid!

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